In which I get way too annoyed by a HuffPost piece

I recently read a Huffington Post article titled "5 things I really wish people with no kids would know," expecting it to be something about how we're not all that different, parents and non-parents.

You know, something like, "I don't like when my kid is a crying asshole in public, either." Or maybe "Please feel free to invite yourself over because I feel jerky for being like 'COME HANG OUT WITH ME AND MY POOPING MACHINE/BABY.'"

Instead, the piece was a load of condescending cliches that I always hated hearing when I was pregnant. Observe:

1. Enjoy running errands by yourself. Really? Was I supposed to be enjoying my errands before having a baby? "Oh, here I am, my cheerful, childless self, just THRILLED to be running to the bank, the dry cleaners and the grocery store! Just for kicks, I think I'll even venture to the privileged mecca known as Lincoln Park so I can battle people in the Petco parking lot and carry 50 pounds of dog food to my car. I love errands! Funsies!!!" Two words: Amazon Prime.

2. Sleep is sacred. We get it. People with kids don't sleep. Neither do people with demanding jobs, insomnia or an empty bottle of Melatonin. You don't see them bitching nearly as much.

3. Enjoy talking on the phone without giving off disaster vibes. I have two large dogs. There were rarely times when the childless me didn't give off a disaster vibe because the pit bull was barking at the wall and the girl was destroying all the mail. Simply being a parent does not a disaster zone make.

4. Go to happy hour (which is "soon to become crappy hour," har har). Please. 5pm used to be when Ava and I both opened up our respective bottles. Now that our schedule has shifted, my new happy hour is 7pm and I'm not the least bit upset about it. Does she freak out around 5? Sometimes. Will she when she's older? I'm sure. But a glass of wine while I prep our dinners helps calm my nerves so I'm not short-tempered and is a fine substitute for being at the bar. Plus, I don't even have to wear pants.

5. Enjoy eating. This one, I'll give you. I didn't realize how hard it was to eat when you have a kid that, you know, also eats. Meals are not a leisurely thing anymore and that sucks, but let's not pretend it's some wildly chaotic, relentless Armageddon. (See #4).

I get that hindsight is 20/20 and everyone should enjoy their freedom and blah blah blah. But a more productive piece would not contain the whole, "My life is SOOOOO hard OMG way harder than yours" undertone. And that's the point. Is life hard with a kid? Yes. Is it harder than it used to be? Yes. Is it harder than everyone else's? Girl, check yo' self.

 /rant.