Oh, the things no one tells you about childbirth

Today, I got to give advice to some pregnant coworkers and share a few fun childbirth tidbits that NO ONE FREAKING TELLS YOU.

#1: Ice diapers. Your partner will make them for you and you will love them. This is more of a warning for him than it is for you.

#2: Squirt bottle. For your hooha. Don't even think about touching toilet paper.

#3: Steal everything that isn't nailed down to the floor. Bring an extra bag. Stock it up as soon as nurses leave the room. They will replenish anything that's missing (and encourage you to take all of it).

#4: No one else is allowed in the room when you get your epidural. You'd think you'd be sad about not having the support during the first nerve-wracking stage of childbirth, but contractions are so bad, you'd sell your spouse for a nickel just to get relief.

#5: Pee pads -- buy them. Nurses will put them under you in the hospital, but they are great to put on changing tables/changing pads when you get home. My kid just peed on one last night as soon as I took her diaper off. HA, BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, AVA.

#6: Mesh undies. The hospital gives you these after giving birth -- don't listen to those snotty, random Internet ladies who say mesh undies are terrible. You're not at the goddamn Ritz. They are lose, stretchy and comfortable. And, best of all, disposable.

While I'm at it, here are other things you will not need in your hospital bag (despite what BabyCenter, the Bump and high-maintenance moms tell you):

• A bathrobe and/or nightgown: No. They give you a hospital gown, which is something you don't care about getting messy. Don't bother with anything other than that.
• Throw-away flip flops: You're showering (you are???) in your private hospital room, not a college dorm. It's cleaner than you are, believe me.
• A hairdryer: You think you'll feel up for doing your hair? That's cute.
• Books/journal/thank-you cards: Your free time will be spent sleeping, hanging out with visitors, sleeping, staring at your baby, making phone calls and sleeping. Don't give yourself homework on top of that.
• Baby nail clippers: It's Day One. If you're already panicking about something as small as your baby's nails, you're gonna have a bad time.

#7: Goodbye, modesty. Goes without saying, but don't even pretend that less than 10 strangers will be all up in your junk over the course of your hospital stay. They don't care and you won't either.

#8: Post-delivery nausea. I don't know if this is common, but all I wanted after 20 hours of labor was the biggest glass of water in existence. So I demanded it, drank it and promptly felt like vomiting. Go slow, just in case.

#9: Hair loss. This is more of a three-month or four-month "milestone," but I was warned about this and I must warn you too. Your hair will fall out much more than usual post-childbirth.


Yep, birth is pretty glamorous.