Work and worries

I've officially worked out my maternity leave schedule. And it feels good/terrifying all at once.

My last day of work will be August 16, six days before I'm due. I'll return just after Thanksgiving, on December 2. That sounds like a long, long time -- though I've been told I can always call them to come back earlier if I want to.

This may sound ridiculous, but I'm nervous about being away from work for any amount of time. I really enjoy my job (not to mention the amazing and talented women I get to work with). What if I don't enjoy my baby as much? Is that totally taboo to say?

It is, I know it. But it is something I wonder, seconds before I feel like a terrible person for even having that thought pop into my mind.

I just don't want to lose my editorial edge. (Despite the stream-of-consciousness you read here, I am actually a professional writer and I know how to "turn off" my own nonsense.) I also don't want to forget how to speak to another adult. And I don't want to miss out on any big professional changes if/when they happen. In general, I don't like feeling out of the loop and being gone for three months is a surefire way to make that happen.

On the flip side, I also want to enjoy being a mom while I'm home. I'm not sure how that works with the lack of sleep, sore boobs and never-ending stream of literal shit, but people say something changes when you have the baby. You have this unexplainable bottomless pit of unconditional love for that little being and your heart just overflows with it. Perhaps less so at 3 in the morning, but it's always there nonetheless.

I hope that happens for me. And I hope that I can really appreciate my time at home. I do know how lucky I am to be in the situation I'm in, about to welcome a child while having an incredible job waiting for me to return. I just can't help but wonder and worry about how the reality will actually play out. I guess time will tell.